Proverbs 16:9
I think anyone can provide clear evidence the truth of this scripture. I don't think I know one person whose life has gone exactly how they planned it.
When I was little I spent my days imagining what it would be like to have a child, once you're married then you know how exciting it is when you finally decide that you are ready to make that leap. Starting a family was the number one priority in our life. I felt ready to get pregnant.
Growing up you take health class and they tell you how easy it is to get pregnant. I imagined once James and I were ready it would happen right away. I felt that I would get pregnant ASAP.
If you are like me and unable to conceive, then you also know the emotions that bombard you every day — grief, embarrassment, uselessness.
As a 24 year-old woman I have been married for over three years and have been with the same man since 2008. I can hardly remember a time when I didn't want to have children with him. I cannot remember a time at all, for that matter, when I didn't daydream about being a mother. I feel very strongly that we are all on this planet for a very specific reason and I have always thought that my reason was being a mother.
I never thought I would not be able to conceive I didn't think it was possible. It seems like now days it is getting harder for woman to get pregnant... I wonder if it something we are eating. Ha.
Once I found out my issue with not being able to get pregnant my frustration sets in. Why me? Why can so many people get pregnant the first time while I’m doing everything suggested by doctors, books, and the woman down the street who has eight kids?
After two years go by and nothing happens. I start to feel guilty. James and I have always planned to have children. As a woman, if I am not able to conceive, what is my purpose? I can say with absolute certainty that James does not hold even an ounce of blame for me. That does not hold off the guilt and feelings of uselessness.
With the guilt comes the worst feeling of all. When you want so desperately to become pregnant and cannot, you begin to envy the people around you.
One of my best friends becomes pregnant. I am instantly happy for her and extremely bitter. Her baby shower is torture because not only do I feel angry that things are so good for her, I feel like a terrible person for even having these thoughts in the first place. I am angry at everyone, including myself.
I can't tell you how many times I have prayed asking Heavenly Father to take the pain in my heart away. I have spent many nights crying about this and reading in my patriarchal blessing to figure out the Lord's plan for me. With a lot of tears and prayers the Lord has led James and I towards the end of this "process" he knows we will be amazing parents. He wants us to be happy. Knowing that adoption is an option brings a smile to my face. Adoption will not take the pain of infertility away, but at least we will be parents and being a mother has been my dream. We feel truly blessed to go through this amazing process together knowing our future child is waiting for us.
You are amazing! I'm so excited to see how this adventure unfolds for you guys.
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